I’ve been thinking a great deal about communication. Or specifically about how easy it is to miscommunicate.
When I was dealing with addictions one of the things that was taught during recovery is this idea of how hard it is to pass a message on clearly. We might think it it’s an easy process to pass an idea from one individual to another but it can be more complicated than it seems.
First there’s the process of the transmission. There are more steps to this than most people realize and a lot can go awry. The first is forming an idea in your mind. Which is simple most of the time but not all ideas are fully hatched. Certainly I’m more than a little guilty of diving into a sentence without knowing what I wanted to say. Let’s summarize this as: no one wants to be in a cab where the driver doesn’t know where they are going, no one wants to listen to a sentence that has no destination either.
From the way you form the idea to the way you say it aloud is another full stage. I’m sure everyone can attest that it doesn’t always go smoothly. From mumbling, to loud conversations in a restaurant, to poor understanding of grammar* there are a dozen ways for every transfer of media to become irreparably garbled.
Then there’s the point at which they hear the message. This sounds simple and as much as it should be, there are some people who will suggest that John Fogerty is advising you of which side of the hall the bathrooms are on in Bad Mood Rising. Suffice to say what you hear isn’t necessarily what was said.
Finally, of course there is hearing the message and understanding it. You can hear the exact same words spoken, but the context of understanding is done by the listener. For example, when was the last time you actually listened to someone who preaches at you constantly? What about misunderstanding the context of a friend’s text message? I would wager these are regular occurrences to everyone.
Here I’m going to suggest that there is in fact a responsibility of the Listener to ensure that they heard the message. As much as it’s the Comunicator who should take the message seriously, let’s assume that if someone is trying to tell us something, it is worth listening to. To be clear, I understand in the Real World is that not the case but we are going to assume this for now. So we have good idea that is worth listening to, what can you do?
Active listening is a good start, stop focusing on your own thoughts, mirror their body language and repeat what they said after the spoke. If you don’t understand something you should ask for clarity. If you still don’t understand something, ensure you tell them that. I wish I was as good at this as my wife is, I suspect it’s my ego and I will be the first to tell you how hard it is to silently listen. I’m also the first to apologise for it as I absolutely know better. It is your responsibility to be receptive to communication.
As the communicator you can actually help this process as well. First and foremost, seek to provide clarity in your words. Avoid personal pro-nouns by using names and try using bold language such as fantastic and absolutely instead of soft ambiguous words like nice and sure. It isn’t hard to learn a few turns of rhetoric either, and they’ll make your language a little more interesting. Rhetoric is really just brain hacks so old the Greeks based their entire education system around them. Mark Forsyth’s “Elements of Eloquence” is a light read and provides a ton of tips in this direction.
The truth is communication is much harder that is seems like it should be. There are physical and emotional barriers that can occur without even getting into the comprehension of the language it’s self. Then, at least in person, there are the Gobstopper of layers of non-verbal communication that have even larger ques than the verbal message.
Next time you find your self in a situation where you feel that miscommunication is occurring, try think about these steps. Are you being clear with your intended message? Do you understand the message you’ve heard? Have you taken any responsibility for being a listener?
Above all else, it helps to be patient and understand that in our world of instant gratification and narcissism it’s easier to have mis-communication than clear understanding.
*In an eventual post I will explain why grammar isn’t as large of a setback as some might think it is.